22.09.2021 8:53 AM

Okay… So here it goes….

I recently watched a series that made me think or rather see a little glimpse of what it would be. The choice that I’ve been dreading to make for past few months. Stability over passion? Would it be okay to live with?

So this series travels the path I have decided to take and the protagonist is always seen as… I don't know… insatiable perhaps. As if some part of her life is incomplete that she craves the most. As she puts in the story, 85% of the things in marriage are fine, it’s the remaining 15% that is intimacy. Mathematically 85% tips over 15% but still the heart wants what it wants. How do you erase the memories? So beautiful and sweet. The passion, love, intimacy, warmth that you have shared over the course of that relationship. It still haunts back. Majorly, because you have not achieved the same in your current relationship. It’s being the unapologetic self with him. The crazy make out in public place, a club’s dance floor, back of a cab kind of person.

It’s fun to be that. It was fun. But not all of it was as sweet and romantic. The mind tends to forget the hard parts and hold on to the memories that touched your heart. He was controlling, he fought with me, his anger made my bones tremble, I’ve cried and howled, felt caged in that relationship, felt misunderstood. It was not all glorious but I liked the fact that he had a kind of power over me. Whenever in an argument, I would try to leave because of screaming but he would not let me go. He was in anger but he held on to me. He didn't let me leave and made me listen. I kind of liked that control, that power. He would always get mad, scream and shout and like a person who doesn't like all these things would try to runaway, to give him time to cool off. After he would, he would come to me apologizing like a little baby, innocent and pure and I always forgave him. Hating myself a little bit more every time of the complacent subservient woman I was becoming.

At a point, it became toxic. So toxic that I wanted to runaway. Runaway to the guy with stability because I couldn't take anymore drama. Guess what? You really couldn’t have it all.

Passion, I feel would fade off eventually. It did for us too after sometime. It is how it is. Intimacy becomes more of an exercise. Not even exercise because that to requires some effort. It becomes more like…. ummm… Yawning maybe. You get a sudden urge to do it, you do it and get over it. Bad analogy but yeah that’s the whole point. And I never came anyway. So what’s the point of choosing passion when it fizzles out in a span of 3 months?

It wont be ok to choose that 15% for a time or two as suggested in the series. I think it would wreck the remaining 85% which is important. I don't want that. Stability is good. He’s a good guy and I’ve seen him try. He really does. He doesn't always get it right but at least he tries.

So I guess, it’s okay to question the road not taken but at the end my logical decision is in for the win.

I hope for my sake I’m right.